The SOLDIER Chronicles
by Jynx Tsilevon
Summary: Series of One-shots about Cloud's days in SOLDIER. First up, Zack unleases his plan to make Cloud find his "spunk," but the side effects weren't what Zack expected. Assassins and Sugar and Destruction, OH MY!


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A/N: Hello Everyone! Welcome to another story of complete and utter RANDOMNESS, brought to you by Jynx Tsilevon and Sno Italever!

**I'm not kidding. This stoy (and those that will follow it) are really just random ideas that pop into my or Sno's head. Some will be funny (Like this one), and others will be more on the serious side. The only non-random thing is the theme. That is, all of these stories will be about Cloud's life in the SOLDIER Base. Now, Cloud won't always be the main character in all these stories, but he will be there. - **

**That being said, thank you for being brave. Now, if you don't read past this author's note, that's cool. To those of you who do, thank you again. **

**WARNING: This fiction contains some really random Cloud OOC. But it's totally relievant to the story. Trust me. -**

**Oh, right. Sno and I have included brief Original Character bios, to help movethe story along. Please check those out (they're right under this A/N) breifly before reading the story. Thank you!**

**And I promise, no more long A/Ns.**

**Disclaimer:** **Sno and I do not own FFVII nor Square-Enix. Even though we really want to, we don't...**

**ENJOY!**

Explanation of Original Characters:

**Ex-Commander Gibbs:** 1st rank SOLDIER who puts Cid's sailor talk to shame. Like the "Jack Sparrow" of the group, finds enjoyment comparing Sephiroth to a tree. Mid-thirties, with a gruff personality to everyone but those he likes. Known to take favorites, and supports practical jokes as long as they're aimed at Sephiroth. Never was actually a Commander.

**Dega: **Shinra scientist and Gibbs's wife. Known as Doctor Doc or the Mom-away-from-home, she never holds grudges unless they're well deserved. Thinks of Sephiroth as her son and is watching Cloud for "parental observational purposes." She hates it when people don't get the rewards (or punishments) they deserve and is known for administrating such. Kind and sweet, but known to point out flaws in people, especially Gibbs.

**Jericho**: SOLDIER who was injured during the Wutai War and was discharged, only to come back to service as the Head of the Infirmary. He tends to like all people, but dislikes Sephiroth's egocentric attitude. He's good friends with Cloud, who comes to him for advice when it is practical. One of the only SOLDIERS who really understands the roots of Cloud's personality. He works with Dega in their attempts to keep all the SOLDIERS healthy, has a soft spot for the "Shinra Grunts." He is very proud of his work. As a hobby, he tinkers with robots and is never seen without one or a computer. This being said, he is also known to be a good friend of Reeve Tuesti.

**Akabane (Dr. Jackal): **1st rank SOLDIER (assassin). Most known for his cruel humor and finds enjoyment out of fear. Hates Hojo with a passion (Like almost everyone else in the SOLDIER base) and considers Sephiroth a younger brother in arms and in family (Kind of like the Weiss and Nero relationship, only less clingy). Feels replaced by Cloud, who is the object of Sephiroth's attention, and takes to scaring Cloud and Colby whenever there is the chance. Dislikes those under him and is known for his long black hair and black, flat, wide-brimmed hat (If you've read the manga "Get Backers," this is who Jackal is based off of). Has a sweet spot for Lei Tien, and secretly longs for her attention.

**Sergeant Colby: **A higher-ranking Shinra Grunt than Cloud, Colby is the leader of the division Cloud falls into. Never actually wanted to be in SOLDIER, Colby joined on a dare from his brother, who lives Midgar. Being perfectly content with his spot as "Elite Grunt," Colby normally tries, like Zack, to keep Cloud's spirits up. Somehow made friends with Zack, Sephiroth, and a few other 1st ranks to elevate his position slightly. He's one year older than Zack, and is Cloud's voice of reason and one of the few honored to be called his "Best Friend."

**Commander Iah Ling**: 1st Rank SOLDIER, who hails from Cosmo Canyon. Given the nickname "Commander" because she is known to be just like Sephiroth. Hates Sephiroth with a passion, supposedly, and is trying her hardest to replace him. Many people believe she should have been the actual commander of the Base. Tries to hold to her customs and morals as strictly as possible. A friend of Zack's who sees Cloud as her next assignment, for she feels he was cheated out of SOLDIER by Hojo and his cronies. She can be strict and harsh, but is known to (rarely) show her joking side to her close friends. Can be nice, but it takes a lot of prompting. There are some rumors around the Base that Iah is in love with Sephiroth; all of these rumors Iah condemns and denies.

**Lei Tien: **1st Rank SOLDIER and Iah's younger sister. Where Iah is cold and strict, Lei is happy and hyper. And she talks. A _lot_. She loves sweets and being nice. She's often scolded by Iah for not following traditions or the SOLDIER code. No one really knows how she made it to 1st Rank, but people think she might have sweet-talked her way there. Loves Cloud like a brother and fondly calls him "Oni-san," meaning older brother, despite the fact that Cloud is younger than her. Takes pride in the fact that she can make Cloud laugh.

* * *

The SOLDIER Chronicles 

Part I: Sugar Rush

It was raining. The outside training grounds were closed due to mud, the inside ones closed due to repairs. A huge capture the flag game had started in the Gym, which was later turned to Extreme Dodge ball. Despite Sephiroth and Iah's warnings, the SOLDIERs decided to use medicine balls instead of the regulation dodge balls. Needless to say, Jericho was going to have a lot of patients today.

The Commons Area was full of bored SOLDIERS and Grunts playing cards, videogames, reading, writing, and doing all manner of things to keep themselves entertained. It was here, in his boredom, that Zack sat playing cards with Iah Ling, Lei Tien, and Colby.

"I'm _bored_!" Zack moaned. Iah groaned and threw her cards on the table.

"Then _do_ something about it!" Iah spat.

"I've tried to! But you won't let me go play dodge ball!"

"Because that's where I just sent Sephiroth, you fool! All of those involved will soon get reprimand."

"Way to ruin the fun, Iah!"

She and Zack promptly began arguing. Colby and Lei Tien rolled their eyes in unison and set down their cards as well.

"Guess the game's over," Colby sighed. "S'cuse me then." He stood up, sliding his chair back with a loud screech that was lost in the din of the Commons.

"Where are you going?" Lei asked.

"To find Cloud. He'll probably have something to do, even if it is just reading."

"Oh, okay. Well...Say hi to Oni-san for me! I'll just be here, stopping World War III," Lei Tien replied brightly.

"Good luck, Lei," Colby looked over his shoulder one last time, staring at the two arguing SOLDIERs and Lei, who was playing Solitaire. He shook his head before disappearing into the quiet hallway.

* * *

Colby wasn't surprised to find Cloud sitting in the room he shared with Sephiroth and Zack, reading. Cloud didn't look up or acknowledge Colby's presence in any way when he walked it, but Colby didn't feel the need to say anything. He just walked over and sat on Sephiroth's bed (he was going to be in so much trouble later).

"Hey," Cloud said after awhile. Colby smiled.

"Hey."

"Card game over?"

"Yeah." Silence settled in again. Cloud went back to his book and Colby went back to kicking his feet. After a few minutes Cloud spoke again.

"You're going to want to move."

"Why?"

"Sephiroth's coming." Colby jumped off the bed and scampered up to the top bunk to sit next to Cloud. Everyone in the Base knew that Cloud had the uncanny ability to tell when people where coming, especially if it was Sephiroth. But know one knew why (not that anyone complained. Cloud kept a lot of people out of trouble this way).

As if called by Cloud's warning, Sephiroth entered the room a mere seconds after Colby had seated himself next to the reading boy. The Commander was muttering something about morons with medicine balls and the stupidity of the game of dodge ball and how it was stacked against people who were 6'1.

Colby chuckled and Sephiroth stopped muttering. The Commander looked at Colby and nodded.

"Is Cloud with you?" he asked. Cloud sat up, put the book on his lap, and nodded.

"Present, Sir." Sephiroth rolled his eyes.

"Have you been reading all morning?"

"Yes sir."

"Sergeant, get him out of here," Sephiroth said to Colby, who saluted and jumped off the bunk.

"Come on, Spike! Let's go find something to do." Cloud sighed and closed his book, slipping it under his pillow before following after Colby.

"Yes, go be sociable, Cloud," Sephiroth said, pulling out a book from the bookshelf crammed into the corner of the room. "You shouldn't spend the whole day reading. Go play some dodge ball," Sephiroth laughed, rubbing the back of his head humorously as he sat himself down on his bed, "and get me some pain killer while you're at it."

"Previous engagement! Go find some other lackey to get you your pain killers." smirked Colby, pulling Cloud out of the room. "Enjoy your book."

_Hypocrite_, Cloud thought.

* * *

Zack smiled when he saw Colby bring Cloud into the Commons. He'd expected Chocobo-head to spend the whole day reading or sleeping or something non-sociable.

"Welcome back!" Lei said, smiling. "Hi Oni-san! Hi Colby!" Iah smiled slightly.

"I thought you'd never show your face today, Cloud," she said lightly, in almost a motherly tone. "How's the book I lent you?"

"Good, until Commander Sephiroth kicked me out of the room," Cloud mumbled.

"So that's where Sephy-san went? I thought he was at the dodge ball game," Zack stated.

"I guess he was," Cloud murmured, sitting down and staring at the floor..

"Yea! He got schooled, by the sound of it. Complaining about the game and all; it was funny," Colby added in.

"He _participated_?!" Iah asked, shocked.

"I think so, ma'am," Colby replied respectfully. Iah fumed.

"Why that good for nothing little son of a...! I'll be back!" With that, she stormed out of the room.

"Wait! Iah, don't kill Sephy-san!" Lei went running out after her, screaming warnings to anyone who would hear. "I think that's Nii-san's job!" Colby and Zack exchanged a look. Cloud looked at them.

"What was that last part?" he asked.

"Nothin'," they replied. That seemed to be a good enough answer for him, for Cloud went back to staring at the floor.

"Sheesh Cloud, why so gloomy?" Zack asked. Cloud just shrugged.

"Rain." Was his one word reply. Colby sighed. Something told him that this wasn't going to be any more entertaining than watching paint dry. No offence to Cloud or anything, but he wanted to go see some action. And a match between Iah Ling and Commander Sephiroth was something close to the match of the centaury.

"Um, excuse me, mates, I'm gonna go make sure Iah doesn't destroy your guys' room..." He stood up and saluted Zack. "See ya later." And just like that, they were alone.

"Hey Cloud, are you gonna move? Or just sit there?" Zack asked.

"Sit here."

"Come on, Cloud! Let's _do_ something! I'm bored!" Zack complained.

"I _am_ doing something," Cloud replied. "I'm thinking. You should try it sometime." Coming from anyone else, that would have been an insult. But coming from Cloud, the comment was just that. A comment. It could even be taken as a _suggestion_.

"But I don't feel like just sitting around, Spike! You need more spunk, man!" Then Zack's eyes lit up, as if he had an idea. "Come on!" He grabbed Zack from his chair and began to drag him towards to the hallway.

"Where are we going?!"

"To find you some spunk, Spike!"

"Sounds painful," Cloud moaned, but he was helpless to stop Zack or the SOLDIER's crazy plans.

* * *

What seemed like seconds later, Cloud found himself inside Lei Tien and Iah Ling's shared room. The first thing he noticed is that it was bigger than his shared room with Zack and Sephiroth. But what fascinated him most (and helped him forget that the guilt of being in the girl's room without their permission) was the items that decorated the room.

"Okay, so where is it?" Zack asked himself. He began to look around the room, leaving Cloud to his own devices. The young Shinra Grunt sat down on what he thought might be Iah's bed (it was the neater of the two) and looked around. He liked the natural feeling the room seemed to resonate from the walls. Little wooden and stone figures littered the walls and desks, as well as paintings and dream catchers. Cloud wondered if Lei and Commander Iah made them. He'd ask 

them later. But what really caught his eye was the little wolf figure on the desk, next to a carving knife. He picked it up and smiled at it. He had always liked wolves, ever since he was a kid. The idea of a lone wolf had always fascinated him. The little wolf seemed so lifelike that Cloud was sure he could hear it howl. He flipped it over in his hand and looked for the artist's initials. There were none. Instead, there was the words "Lone Wolf C.S."

"Not it!" Zack sighed, throwing a book over his shoulder. Cloud looked up to see Zack throwing things out from under Lei's bed.

"Uh, Zack?" Cloud started.

"Not it!" A shoe flew past Cloud's head.

"Zack!"

"Not it!" The match to the shoe flew past.

"Zack, I really don't think you should be going through Lei's..." One last article flew from under the bed before Zack cut Cloud off and shouted.

"FOUND IT!" Smiling triumphantly, Zack turned around, only to see a very horrified Cloud holding a pair of lacy girl's underwear. Apparently, that's what had just hit him in the face. "You okay?"

"I-I-I-I'm holding L-L-L-Lei's u-n-n-nderwear..." Cloud stuttered, turning the deepest shade of crimson Zack had ever seen.

"You really are sheltered," Zack said, taking the clothing from Cloud and throwing it off in another direction. "Anyway, come on Cloud! I found a way to make you hyper." He gestured to what he had pulled out from under the bed, smiling mischievously. "Tadaa!"

In front of Cloud was the largest collection of candy Cloud had seen short of the displays in the shop windows during Christmas.

"That's all Lei's?" he said in awe.

"Yup! So dig in!" Zack said, picking up a chocolate bar and unwrapping it.

"Um, Zack...two problems with that. One, this is _Lei's_ stash of candy, not ours. And two, I have a really low tolerance for sugar. I'm not supposed to have much of it. It makes me...weird."

"That's my point, Spike! You need to let go a bit, man! Lighten up, chill out. Not be so wrapped up in proving your worth, ya know? So here!" Zack shoved the chocolate bar in Cloud's mouth. "Live a little bit."

* * *

The clock struck twelve. Jericho sighed happily, content with his morning's work. So far he'd had twenty six patients, all with the same mysterious illness: Dogeballitis. Oh, and not included in the count was Sephiroth, who had come in earlier for pain killers.

So basically, Jericho was having a very relaxing day. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary.

Not yet.

* * *

Akabane, known to everyone and anyone (but Sephiroth) as Dr. Jackal, was walking placidly down the hallway, smiling to himself. Another happy, peaceful, rainy day and another job well done. Nothing could ruin this day for him.

"AKABANE-SAN!" Except for that. Who was the dead man now?

In a flash, the owner of the voice that had called him by his real name (and most rudely, of course) appeared before him, bobbing back and forth from foot to foot. A lowly Shinra Grunt, smiling up at him, was the culprit.

"Hiya, Akabane-san!" the Grunt said brightly. "How're ya? Huh? HUH?"

Wait...this Grunt looked familiar to him. Only _one_ Soldier, Shinra or otherwise, had that outrageously spiky hair.

"Cloud Strife?"

"That's me, Akabane-san!" Akabane stared Cloud in the eyes, glaring.

"It's Dr. Jackal to you, Grunt."

"Dr. Jackal? You practice?" Cloud asked, cocking his head.

"Yes, I practice the _art_ of killing. Do you want to be my next masterpiece?" Cloud giggled (Yes, I said it. _GIGGLED)._

"You're not a very _good_ assassin, are you?" Cloud taunted.

"What?" Akabane hissed.

"Well, you just _told_ me what you are going to do, so now I can prepare myself!" Cloud clapped. "So now I'll be ready if you come after me! See, you're not that scary."

Akabane grabbed Cloud by his neck and lifted him a foot off the ground, forcing the teen to stare him in the eyes.

"Now you see here, _Grunt_, nobody insults me and _lives_, understand?!"

"Oooh! Akabane is angry." Akabane squeezed his neck harder, fuming now. One could see the steam coming from his ears.

"Why you good for nothing little bastard! I'm going to rip you limb from limb!"

"Well, there you go again," Cloud laughed. "Tellin' me what you're gonna do before you do it. Say, Akabane-san, do you need a hug?" Akabane loosened his grip, staring at Cloud with a wary look.

"Why would I want a hug, Grunt?"

"'Cause Zai-chan said that I need to give everyone a hug. Said it'd make them feel better. Can I give you a hug, Akabane-san?!"

"Zai-chan? You mean _Zack_?!"

"Yup!" Akabane groaned. Now what was that two-bit SOLDIER doing?

"What'd he do to you?"

"Nothin'! He just gave me sugar." Cloud smiled sweetly. Akabane frowned. "Hey! Can I See your hat?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?!"

"Absolutely not."

"But..."

"No buts, Cloud," Akabane said. He sighed. So he couldn't kill the Shinra Grunt after all. He'd have to kill Zack. Oh well. More of a challenge.

"No butts? But we both have butts!" Cloud laughed again. "See, get it?"

Akabane scoffed. Yes, he would need to find a way to stop creepy-hyper Cloud, and fast. Before he did something stupid.

"Hey Akabane! I gots your hat!" Akabane stopped thinking and looked over at Cloud, who was no longer in his hand but standing three feet in front of him, waving his hat. "Bet you didn't see _that_ coming, did you?"

"Cloud, give me my hat!" Akabane shouted.

"You gots to _catch_ me first!" Cloud challenged.

"Why you little..."

"Can't catch me!" Cloud put the hat on his head and dashed down the hallway, laughing maniacally. Akabane stared after him, amazed at the bravery the boy gained from just eating sweets. Then he remembered that idiot just stole his hat. Pulling his cloak over his head to hide his face, Akabane set off towards the Infirmary.

Why? To get some sedatives for a certain (soon to be dead) Shinra Grunt.

* * *

"Mrs. Dega, sorry to interrupt, but do you know where the sedatives are?" Akabane asked, walking into Dega's lab. He paid no mind to the kissing figures seated by the desk in the back of the room. The SOLDIER assassin went straight to searching the shelves for his weapon against hyperactivity.

"Would it kill ya to knock, Jacks?" Gibbs sputtered, answering for his wife. Akabane frowned and turned back to the figures he had previously been ignoring. An angry Gibbs and an embarrassed Dega stared back at him.

"I apologized before, Gibbs," he said coldly.

"Um...what was it you needed Dr. Jackal?" Dega said quickly, standing up from where she had been previously seated on Gibbs's lap and straightening her lab coat. Gibbs grumbled about being interrupted from his "quiet time" with Dega, but no one listened.

"Sedatives," Akabane replied, a bit less edgy towards the scientist. It was a known fact that Akabane tended to respect women more than men, the only exception being that he thought of Sephiroth superior to all. This often led to the SOLDIERs joking that Sephiroth was a woman.

"For whom?" Dega asked, searching the shelves next to Akabane. Akabane noticed, with slight enjoyment, that the female scientist was respectfully keeping her distance from him. Her fear pleased him.

"Cloud. He has become a menace to society," Akabane fumed.

"Cloud?" Dega stopped searching, turning to Akabane with an angry look in her eyes. "What did you do to Cloud, huh? He better be in one piece! I mean it, Akabane!" Akabane winced. He regretted giving Dega permission to call him by his real name. She always said it with such venom.

"How dare you accuse me of corresponding with that lowly Grunt..."

"Shinra Soldier!" Dega corrected.

"Whatever. The person to blame is Zack!" Akabane yelled.

"Issat what happened to yer hat?" Gibbs laughed. "Did Chocobo steal it?"

"Yes..." Akabane muttered.

"I don't have sedatives here," Dega muttered, watching Akabane wearily out of the corner of her eye. "You'll have to get them from Jericho." Akabane nodded.

"Yeah, Jacks! Go get your sleepy pills from Doc Frankenstein."

"Gibbs!"

Akabane nodded again.

"Thank you then, for your time. I am sorry again for interrupting."

"Do not hurt Cloud, here me!" Dega warned.

"Please excuse me. You can now get back to whatever mating ritual you were close to performing." Akabane left the room, leaving Gibbs slightly red and Dega confused.

"Mating ritual? Did he mean..." Dega turned crimson with realization. "GIBBS!"

"It wasn't gonna get that far!" Gibbs stammered. Dega stared at him with her hands on her hips. "I swear! I'm totally content with kissin'!" Dega didn't look convinced. "Really, Hun!"Dega smiled.

"Fine. Come here, you big Gibby Bear," she taunted, using her nickname for him. They started kissing again only to be interrupted again. Only this time, it wasn't a crazy assassin.

"Ewwwww! People kissing!" Gibbs and Dega sprung away again, both turning around to face the owner of the voice. "YUCK! Get a room!" Cloud stood there, covering his face with Akabane's hat.

"Cloud?" Dega said, amazed.

"Chocobo head! You're...shouting..."Gibbs stood up quickly, almost knocking Dega over. "GET TO THE BUNKERS! IT'S THE END OF TIME!" With that, the SOLDIER bolted from the room...mostly likely to get a video camera.

"What's wrong with Gibby Bear?" Cloud asked, putting the hat back on his head and grinning.

"Um, Cloud...you might not want to call Gibbs that...ever..." Dega said, scratching the back of her head.

"Okay," Cloud said, nodding.

"What's gotten into you? You're normally...silent."

"What's gotten into me? Lots and lots of sugar, Auntie!" Cloud tipped his hat. "Zai-chan gave it to me."

"Looks like Zack has done yet another thing to get him in a boat load of trouble," laughed Dega. "Take a seat, Cloud. Stay awhile." But Cloud didn't sit. He just bounced back and forth, twitching slightly.

"Um, do you have any sugar? I feel sleepy," Cloud asked.

"Cloud, I don't think you need any more caffeine or sugar. It's already negatively affecting your personality. It's only a matter of time before something worse could..." But Dega couldn't finish her sentence, because Cloud had started to give her the puppy eyes.

Dega _hated_ when Cloud used the puppy eyes against her.

"Okay, okay! You can have some candy!" Dega said, sighing. She walked over to one of the cabinets and pulled out a king sized chocolate bar. "Here." Cloud took the chocolate and smiled. He broke off two squares of chocolate and handed them to Dega.

"Thanks!" he said, smiling. Dega smiled too. It made her happy to see that, despite the fact that the sugar made Cloud uncharacteristically energetic and child-like, he still had strong morals of fairness and sharing.

"Hey Dega?" Cloud asked while munching on his chocolate. "Can I have a hug? Akabane-san wouldn't give me one." Dega giggled.

"Sure Cloud. Come here." Cloud jumped with joy and ran over to Dega, hugging her tightly. Dega hugged him back, smiling.

_I want kids..._ she thought, sighing.

"Well, goodbye then!" Cloud said, kissing Dega's cheek. "I'm off to find Jericho!"

"Be careful, Cloud. Akabane is after you."

"Oh, that lousy assassin can't hurt me!" Cloud laughed. He then bowed low and bolted out of the room. Almost immediately after he left, Gibbs came back in.

"Do you think we could have some peace _now_?" he moaned. Almost immediately _after _that, Zack bolted into the room.

"Have you guys seen Cloud?" he asked, panting and out of breath. Gibbs cursed and Dega laughed.

"I guess not."

* * *

"No, Jackal. I am _not_ giving you sedatives for any reason, even if Cloud _is_ hyperactive due to a sugar overdose...stop _glaring _at me! I don't make the rules! Take it up with Hojo! Yes, I said it! HOJO!" Jericho ignored the fact that Akabane looked ready o kill and turned back to his paperwork.

Akabane fumed. This was getting outrageous. He'd asked this poor excuse for a nurse nicely and gotten nothing. And his scare tactics didn't seem to be working either. He'd have to take a hostage.

So, while Jericho immersed himself in the wonders of paperwork, Akabane slid over to the other desk and picked up a completed robot and held a knife to its neck. He'd done the same thing to Reeve Tuesti last week and gotten a promising result.

"HEY! PUT THAT BACK!" Jericho yelped, glasses falling off his face. "Don't hurt it!"

"Sedatives!" Akabane hissed. "Or the robot gets it!" Jericho didn't get to answer because a flying mass of blue and blonde appeared in the room, sending Akabane and his hostage dashing into hiding in the nearby supply closet.

"Hey Jericho!" Cloud laughed.

"Cloud..." Jericho said, watching Akabane with fire in his eyes. Akabane mouthed the word "sedatives" and Jericho flicked him off. Jericho had morals, and he wasn't about to let the most insane (and only) assassin he'd ever met do anything to Cloud Strife on his watch. Even if it meant losing one of his robot's lives in the process.

"Hey Jericho!" Cloud said again. "Have you seen Akabane-san?"

"No, I haven't seen _Dr. Jackal_, Cloud," Jericho corrected, staring Akabane in the eye. The irony? The sedatives Akabane was looking for was right next to his head, right above his left eye.

"Oh? Okay." Cloud sat down on the floor, _right in front of the supply closet_.

Jericho was beginning to notice this was turning out to be a lot like a clichéd horror movie. Especially because now Akabane had open the door to the closet only so much as to let his hand-still holding the knife-out, coming to a stop precariously over Cloud's head.

Cue cheesy horror music.

"Uh...hey...Cloud..."

"Yup?"

"Don't look up." So, naturally, Cloud looked up.

"HEY AKABANE-SAN! I've been lookin' for you everywhere! How long have you been standin' over me, with a knife, next to the box of sedatives?"

In the background, Jericho could be seen writing Cloud's last will and testament while Akabane debated weather he ought to slit his own throat for his stupidity. Cloud just sat there, twiddling his thumbs and smiling.

Akabane grabbed the box of sedatives and a syringe to inject it into his unwilling victim.

"Cloud, come here," Akabane said cruelly. Cloud looked up and smiled, only to have his eyes widen in fear...no, not at Akabane and his wicked smile. No, at the...

"NEEDLE!" Cloud jumped to his feet so fast that he smacked Akabane in the face with his own hat. "AHHHHH!" Cloud screamed, running as fast as he could towards the exit. Only, the exit wasn't where Cloud thought it was, so he ended up running into the wall instead.

Akabane and Jericho exchanged a look. Cloud lay on the floor, unmoving.

"Cloud...are you alright?" As if awoken by Jericho's voice, Cloud jumped up, smiling.

"Wow, that hurt."

"You haven't even _begun_ to feel pain, Grunt," Akabane scowled. He brandished the needle again. Cloud saw it.

"AHHHH!" he screamed. Once again, he jumped up and tried to flee the room. Getting closer to the door, Cloud ran into the window this time. Only, he was able to escape because the window broke. Cloud went running down the hall, screaming bloody murder. Akabane was right on his heels, chasing after his hat.

Jericho sighed.

"Well...time to replace the window..._again_."

* * *

Sephiroth's head ache had finally gone away. Whistling to himself, he walked slowly down the hall, wondering where all his friends were and what they were up to.

And then he was hit by a speeding body.

"SEPHY-SAN! You gotta help me! Akabane-san is trying to kill me and he's gotta needle and he's gonna stick me with it and then I'm gonna bleed and die and you gotta save me!" Cloud screeched.

Sephiroth stared at the Shinra Grunt (er, Soldier) that he'd come to know. Supposedly, he was a quiet, shy individual who normally kept to himself and said nothing, even when he had an opinion on the matter.

So who the hell was this?

"Who are you and what did you do to Cloud Strife?" Sephiroth asked, peeling Cloud away from him. Cloud looked up at him.

"I didn't do nothing! I'm still me, and me is Cloud. All I did was eat sugar!" Cloud said. He bounced up and down, smiling.

"I see. How long ago did you eat all this sugar, Cloud?" Sephiroth asked, squinting. Cloud cocked his head.

"Thre..two...four...two... two hours ago."

"Oh, I see."

"Why?"

"Just wait for it. You'll crash soon enough."

"I won't crash! I'll be up all..." Before he could even finish that sentence, Cloud fell asleep, leaning on Sephiroth's chest. Sephiroth stared down at him.

"Cloud?" he shook the boy lightly. "Cloud, wake up." He shook him harder this time. But the boy was nonresponsive. "Cloud, I like you, but not _this_ much." Cloud's head rolled to the side and took his center of gravity with it, causing him to topple over. If Sephiroth hadn't have been there, he would have fallen.

Sephiroth was now holding an unconscious Cloud Strife in his arms, bridal style.

"This is...awkward..."

That's how Akabane found them. And all he could do was stare...and then yell.

"YOU REPLACED ME WITH THAT RUNT?!" he screamed.

"What?" Sephiroth asked, looking mortified. "Wait, this isn't what it looks like..."

Then, as if to make matters worse, that's where _everyone_ came in.

"Whoa! Dega, shield your eyes!" Gibbs shouted, skidding to a stop.

"Sephiroth, I never knew!" Dega stammered, eyes wide.

"Dude, Cloud is _so_ not your type," Zack added.

Iah Ling and Colby just stood there, dumbfounded. Jericho secretly snapped a picture with the camera he'd installed in his glasses. Can anyone else say blackmail?

And Lei Tien started to babble.

"Oh no, this is so not right! This is so gross! Sephiroth, you're a pig! Leave Cloud out of your fantasies, man! I mean, I _know_ Cloud is straight! I mean, no one that cute can be gay! And, in fact, Cloud has a girlfriend. Or, at least, a girl he likes. He's got a picture of her! He's even _shown_ it to me! So seriously, get a new boyfriend! Cloud's not for you!"

Everyone stared at her (except Cloud, blissfully unaware of the fact that everyone was talking about him), amazed. She'd said that all in one breath.

"Wait, it's not what you think!" Sephiroth corrected. "I mean, this isn't what it looks like. Cloud fainted, I swear! I just caught him like this! And Akabane, what did you mean?"

But Akabane was gone, probably fuming somewhere.

And then...

"Ugh...Sephiroth? ...Why are you touching me?" Cloud opened his eyes and stared up at the Commander. "Um, Sir...I'm touched...no pun intended...but...um...I don't...swing that way."

Sephiroth said nothing as he dropped Cloud on the floor and walked away. Cloud sat there, nursing the new bump on his head as well as the headache that was forming from eating too many sweets.

"What happened? Why was Sephiroth holding me? Why does my head hurt? And why do I have...(he gulped here) Dr. Jackal's hat?" Cloud asked, looking to Zack for answers.

"It's probably best you don't remember," Jericho said wisely.

"Yeah," Gibbs replied.

"Come on, Cloud, let's get you to the Infirmary. You might be sick," Dega said wisely. She, with some help from Colby, helped Cloud to his feet. She, Colby, Gibbs, and Jericho all set out towards the Infirmary.

"But I felt fine this morning," Cloud objected. He was so tired that Colby was practically carrying him. "Up until Zack drug me to Iah Ling and Lei Tien's room...He showed me something and then...What happened then...?" Cloud muttered as he got farther and farther away from Zack, Iah, and Lei.

"What were you doing in _my_ room, Zack?" Iah asked, glaring daggers at her fellow SOLDIER.

"Um, nothing..." Zack said, subtly backing up.

"Really? You didn't get into Iah's candy, did you?" Lei asked, smiling innocently. Zack's eyes widened slightly.

"I-Iah's...candy?" He chocked out. Oh boy, he was in trouble now.

"Run Zai-chan..." Lei advised.

The poor guy never made it to the door.

* * *

**A/N: And, that's the end of Part One! -cheeres- How'd you like the OCs?**

**Sno: Thank you for reading**

**Jynx: Comments? Questions? Reviews (please?) Flames? All are welcome, but flames will be used to set off after-4th fireworks! Oh! And if any of you have read "To Grow Wings," should I include that in this series? Or not? I really need to know. It's bugging me. **

**Oh, and of course, if you have any suggustions, we're always open for ideas! Thank you so much for reading, like Sno said! **

**And on to the next...**


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